It Takes Tyne

It Takes Tyne is a song originally recorded by Newcastle duo The Howaymers in 1995, which was covered by Alan and released as a single in 1999. His cover was mostly faithful to the original, with some changes to the lyrics and experimental instrumentation using trumpets and hearing aid whistling.

Background
Alan first met The Howaymers while on tour in 1995, when they performed as supporting act for the Venus leg of his Seymsinourder tour; Alan returned the favour the following year when The Howaymers toured Thornaby, despite their pleas that he didn't. Alan recalled being fascinated by their avantgarde and experimental sound, particularly on a piece The Howaymers had named "It Takes [fart sound]". After hearing them perform and 'flatulate' the song for the umpty-sixth time, Alan requested permission to cover it, but The Howaymers said they would only allow the song to be covered if Alan made extensive changes and put his own unique spin on the track, because The Howaymers are edgy like that.

Alan was so excited that his boiler nearly burst, and he went to tell his producer Philp Scofiled the news. Scofiled - who had been begging Alan to release something that built upon the success of Geordista - was not so pleased by Alan's idea, and told him that he was being silly and should record something more commercial, such as the groovy Tyneside Girl that topless musician Ziggy Smcrop had offered to them. Alan was cross and punched his producer, then set off to the studios to produce the song without him.

By the time Alan reached the studios, he had reworked the piece into a song he called It Takes Tyne, which described the trials and tribulations faced by Seymour as he juggled ICT teaching and portraying the Recycle GB mascot, Binny. As Binny, Alan would wear a large green foam recycling bin costume and chastise any litterers through the voice distorter in his mask; the mask was 'recycled' and reused notably during the chorus of It Takes Tyne to give the vocals a 'crusty' sound, as Alan put it. Alan also called upon his brass band to provide the instruments, but forgot to press 'record'. By the time he realised his mistake, the brass band had already gone to the pub. Alan had to rely on his own horn and the local butcher with his slab of pork instead, but when the day's work was over Alan was far from satisfied. He chuffed away to apologise to Philp Scofiled and ask him to help produce the song. Scofiled returned and agreed to help, although he still didn't think the song would be a hit. He was, however, responsible for one of the song's most edgy elements - the song's long coda uses samples of Alan's hearing aid interference, which Philp Scofiled found in recordings of a lengthy rant about Brexit.

The song was released to mixed reviews. Many felt the new, experimental direction was wrong for the comedian-turned-musician. "Just pathetic," said music journalist Gord Jeffon. "He should give up and be preserved before it's too late." One advocate of It Takes Tyne was Hulk Hogan, who said many nice things. Sales of the single were not positive, though this was mainly because Philp told Alan the single had been released, but all the record sleeves and CD cases that were sent out to shops were either empty or full of slugs, and this caused confusion and delay.

"You were right, Philp," said Alan to his projuicer that night. "From now on, I'll only record songs that are marketable and 'lit'."

But that's another story.